This is the end

Once again, Lady Gaga outdoes herself with her new video Telephone, Mile Cyrus is a bird, Kesha's lyrics are "blah, blah, blah," Timbaland has a song with Justin Beber, Sean Desmond has released a new single and Canadian dance legend Blake McGrath has a music video. Fucked we are.

(Life) time

Where have the last three months gone? OK, it's been awhile since my last post, so I thought I'd do a quick update on my unburied life.
Since January, I've learned to cook (much to the chagrin of my son who is a fan of KD and pizza pops), have gone to the movies by myself (saw The Serious Man by the Coen brothers during a local film festival) and will be heading south to see one of the seven modern wonders of the world, the Golden Gate Bridge.
I'm really pumped about the latter. I'll be heading down to San Francisco for three whole days of beatniks, trolleys, Chinatown, North Beach, bridges, prisons — oh my.

My unburied life

In two months I will turn 31. It's not the number that scares me, it's the number of years left to do things dreamed of. And after watching an episode of a reality TV series called The Buried Life — in which four friends from Victoria, B.C. write out their quasi bucket list and, in their travels, discover human potential and the joy of helping others — I'm starting my list. It will be a running list to be added to, changed and, hopefully, completed.

Completed:

1. Get a university degree
2. Go to Canada's capital, Ottawa
3. Experience the joy (pain/love/frustration) of having a child
4. Volunteer in my community
5. Do what I love for a living
6. Sky dive from 10,000 feet
7. Zip line through trees
8. Visit my dad in Australia

To do (in no particular order):

1. Visit at least one place on every continent (I'll start big. So far, two. Five to go)
2. See the wonders of the world
3. Swim in all five oceans (got two under my belt)
4. Work for a large daily newspaper
5. Work overseas
6. Go to a movie by myself
7. Write a novel — or two or three
8. Travel across Canada in a van
9. Help a community in a developing country
10. Stop thinking about my teeth when I smile
11. Golf in the middle of the night in Alaska during the 24-hours of daylight
12. See my son graduate from a post-secondary school
13. Complete my own "Motorcycle Diaries"
14. Get a tattoo by Chris Garver at Miami Ink
15. Speak a second language fluently
16. Tour Vancouver Island
17. Buy a house
18. Grow (some of) my own food
19. Visit my mother's grave
20. Learn to surf
21. Get out of debt
22. Buy a new couch — a real one
23. See my grandparents in Ontario before they die
24. Become a better cook
25. Read a book to a group of children
26. Finish my life-guarding requirements
27. Be spontaneous

OK, I think that's a good start. I'll post more as they come...

So, here's the question: What do you want to do before you die?

Aussie education

Since I've just returned from a fantastic two weeks in Western Australia, I want to share some Australian lingo I've picked up. The slang and rhymes are hilarious and the sayings are totally outrageous. I can't get enough. Oh, btw, Aussies never say "throw another shrimp on the barbie" and get pissed off when foreigners cry out with a fake accent "the dingo ate my baby." So, if you're heading to the Land Down Under, please avoid those terms. But, certainly slip the following lingo into your vocab:

• A few Kangaroos loose in the top paddock — this is used to describe someone who may not mentally be all there
• A over T — to fall "arse over tits"
• After dark — another word for shark
• Airy fairy — vague
• Any tic of the clock — very soon
• Apples, she'll be — every thing will be OK
• Arvo/evo — afternoon/evening
• Bathers — swimsuit
• Barney — a fight or argument
• Bathroom — has the sink, tub and/or shower. The toilet, as it's called, is in a separate room.
• Biscuit — a cookie. Novice surfers are called "shark biscuits"
• Blowy — windy
• Brekky — breakfast
• BYO — is bring your own and can be followed with booze (even to a restaurant) or meat (to a barbie)
• Chemist — a pharmacy
• Cheesed off — annoyed
• Chips — french fries. Common expression used is "cheep as chips" to imply a good price for something
• Chook — chicken
• Chuck — is used often for a number of reasons, like "chuck a leftie" to go left or "chuck a spaz" to get angry. Also, people can chuck a Uey or wobbly or up.
• Dads and Dave — is a shave
• Dogs eye — a meat pie, which Australians love to eat
• Dunny — a toilet
• Ear basher — someone who talks a lot
• Esky — a food or drink cooler. Also called a "chilly bin"
• Fag — a cigarette
• Fanny — a vagina. Note: Fanny packs is not a term used; it's called a "bum bag"
• Flat out like a lizard drinking — to be very busy or going very fast
• Franger — condom
• Galah — a kind term for a fool. It's also a really cool-looking bird
• Garbo — garbage man. In Canada, we say "throw trash in the garbage" and in Oz, they say "tip rubbish in the bin"
• Have a burl or crack or go or lash at — to try
• Heaps — is used a lot of mean a lot of something
• Hollie — holiday
• In a tic — just a minute
• In the altogether — in the nude; of which there are many beaches
• Kark it — to die
• Kip — nap
• Lay by — to put on hold at a store
• Lippie — lipstick
• Lolly — sweets
• Macca's — McDonalds
• Make a quid — earn a living
• Off one's face — really drunk
• Plonked — really drunk
• Pom, pommy — a person from England
• Poofter — a homosexual man
• Postie — a mail carrier
• Pram — a baby stroller
• Rellies — relatives
• Salvo — Salvation Army
• Sanga — sandwich
• Sauce, tomato — ketchup
• Seppo or septic tank — derogatory term for Americans (septic tank rhymes with yank)
• Servo — gas station where you buy petrol
• Sheila — common term for a nice looking Australian woman
• Sparkie — electrician
• Stickybeak — to look at
• Stubbie — small, short-necked bottle of beer
• Sunnies — sunglasses
• Tinnie — can of beer
• Torch — flashlight
• Trannie — transistor radio
• Uni — university
• Ute — utility vehicle
• Vegemite — strong spread made from yeast and eaten on toast
• Whinge — to complain

These are just the terms I heard — there are so many more. Just remember: Shorten everything, add "ie" at the end of words and make everything rhyme. Do this and you'll fit right in.

family history

Here's a poem from my great, great, great, great uncle Archibald Lampman, who was said to be the "finest 19th-century English-language poet."

I think he's pretty cool.

Winter Evening: Westward the sunset is waning slow, A far torn flame on the silent snow And dies, as the vast night waxes higher, In scattering lines of stormy fire. The piled clouds are sinking dreary and dun
On the red wild track of the setting sun Westward the fierce winds gather and fleet Mightily down the frozen street. Like the work of the painter's hand are pressed
On the pale clear brow of the yellow west, The pointed spires and the dark and still Towers of the town on the western hill. Far through the firmament, misty fair,
Veiled and dimmed with their golden hair, The moon and her chorus of sweet stars whirl In their white torn mantles of cloudy pearl. The hard snow shrieks on the beaten street —
Under the tread of the hurrying feet, Sharp and shrill, like a thing in pain, Bound in the winter's Titan chain. Westward away the wan day sinks;
I see, as I pass, through the shutter chinks The bright ruddy lips of children prate Round the red warm hearth and the blazing grate. Ah, bright bitter winter, I love thee still
For thy strong bright wine to the strong man's will: For thy stormy days of tempest and moil, And thy calm sweet peace that follows toil; For thy bright white snow and the silver chime
Of bells that gladden the bitter time; For the laughing lips and the children at play And the long mirthful hours that sweeten day For more, check out the Poems of Archibald Lampman.